Oh loves there are a million and one reasons why I haven’t written a post recently, so I cut the crap and I’m writing instead. Isn’t it funny that we can put so much between us and what we love to do? Why do you think that is? Fear? Anxiety? Groceries? Today was my first day off in a bit and I’ve lulled around in it, cleaned, spoken to a friend who warms my heart, and now I’m here, inhabiting this small space I’ve cut out for myself in the very very enormous internet. How are we? I’ve been a bit sick (probably has something to do with drinking after a long period of time in sobriety). I’ve been busy at work, getting to know work. I’ve been reading and trying to finish the memoir I’m Supposed to Protect You From All This. I need to get some snail mail out. That’s more my to-do list than anything else. Recently I’ve been learning what it means to embrace being alone. I’ve been alone for long bouts of time, but I’ve always struggled with sitting in there. Recently, I’ve been very cautious towards letting anyone hold my heart for too long. If I see a red flag or I’m just not one-hundred percent there, I pull myself out. It’s hard though. That space feels comfortable in the way growing up did: it was scary and confusing, harsh, and abusive, but it was home. Maybe we can redefine home. Maybe home doesn’t have to be a place. Maybe my home ebbs and flows, like the tide. Maybe it just is. Just is. Reminds me of my new favorite last lines from The Orange by Wendy Cope: I love you. I’m glad I exist.
I had sex for the first time in a long time last weekend. It was strange in the way sex is with a stranger. It’s a new space, new spots, an entirely new feeling coexisting between you and this person. It’s raw and made me feel uninhibited and fulfilled. Definitely choosing a bit of freedom in my sex life right now. It feels good to be in a place where my longing doesn’t unspool, but rather lingers, quietly, afresh, ready to be touched.
Hey y’all – Today I want to talk about calling in the love I WANT. Hell yes for the love we want. Hell yeah for the love we need. Need and want are two different things right? Sometimes we want things that aren’t good for us. Sometimes we need things we don’t want. Today I’m arguing for what I want. Because I think that’s okay. In the interim that I talked about yesterday on my recording (the waiting period between opportunities, the hallway between two doors, etc.) I’m thinking about what I want. I’m also learning how to assssk for what I want. Do you hear me? I’m not sitting on my bum watching 8+ hours of Netflix thinking, “Wouldn’t it be nice if…”
I’m actively asking. As in: I am praying, talking to God out loud asking for a love I’ve never had. I am calling my dear Unicorn friend almost on a daily basis and she’s encouraging me to speak truly, freely, and actively. I am talking on Instagram and on here and on Facebook about where I am. I’m drifting away from beautifying the internal conflict, the feelings of confusion and anxiety and self-doubt. I am showing-up for what I want even if it isn’t pretty. I’m learning what it means to live in my body, own my soul, say this is what I want. Saying what I want doesn’t mean I’ll get it, but it does mean I get to have numerous dialogues on my evolution. I get to meet myself where I’m at. I am an analytical person therefore viewing things in terms of black and white or check-lists is really easy, living on life’s terms is way harder. Living on life’s terms means I get to stay on my side of the street and question, talk, love, feel, etc. It doesn’t mean I can change, mold, force, etc. to you. That’s the deal. It’s a tough one sometimes, but I believe it’s the only one.
When we move into a space of control we move into a space of fear, of obsession. We start putting all of our stuff on one thing (one outcome, one person, etc.). We start disengaging from ourselves. We forget what we want and we start mirroring others (in their wants/needs/truths). Mirroring works for me when I think about how we are all fundamentally the same person. Mirroring works when I look a friend dead in the eyes and I see myself reflected back. Mirroring does not work when I’m coping out from being myself or doing the uncomfortable, so I’m layering myself with someone else’s behaviors. Does that make sense? Embracing you and embracing me, doesn’t mean becoming you to become me.
So today I’m calling in the love I want. I want love. I want a big love. A great love. I want the love I want. And I refuse to settle for anything less.