I didn’t blog last week and then felt really guilty about it, but I decided to let that guilt fuel my get sh*t done fire for this week. Lots to fill you in on and lots to write about, so it’s best to start somewhere I think. So, I’m drinking my coffee at work and quietly freaking out about my doctor’s appointment from this morning. I have high blood pressure and I’m about to go on medication for it. Last month I started medication for my anxiety & depression. I have never liked medication (pill popping is a concept I am all too familiar with thanks to a family loaded with addiction), but I’m trying to apply an optimistic perspective to something that not everyone has access too when they need it and to something(s) that may in fact elevate my quality of life. Imagine that! Both my doses are very low starter doses, but that fact doesn’t quell my obsession with the possible side-effects.
I’m anxious about the anxiety medication. Story of my life in one short sentence.
I know that these are both minor problems with easy solutions, but perhaps that’s why I’m so uncomfortable. I’ve never prescribed (pun intended) to the pop a pill philosophy that seems oh so prevalent among my peers today. In a recent session, my therapist reminded me that I don’t have to just survive through it anymore. I can actually ask for help and receive that help. I don’t have to sit and suffer because nobody listens to me and I can’t see anyway but through as a way out.
When I was a teenager all I could do was hope and pray that I would one day be old enough to say, “that’s enough” and take myself out of situations that were really difficult to live through. But, as a young adult, I’ve found my mentality hasn’t shifted, it’s only tightened onto the “flight or fright” response of my teenage self. All too often I need to be reminded that I have the power to choose if I stay in a situation that hurts me, or choose a better, healthier situation that makes me happier. Medication, at least for right now and despite my surface level feelings about it, is the happier, healthier route for me. Sometimes, I just need to see the words on the page, to know that they are true.
In addition to house keeping my insides, I’m also working on physically purging my crap that doesn’t serve me anymore. Crap that I’ve carried, despite reason, from apartment to apartment telling myself I need it because…I’m not all too clear on what the because is. Recently I tossed all of my crystals. I started collecting crystals about four years ago when my friend Bakara Wintner started reading my tarot cards.
After I started dating my last ex, we collected crystals as a hobby. I had literal bags of them. When we broke up, I took what I wanted and gave the rest to her, but something felt off about the ones I chose to keep. Although there are ways to cleanse your stones, part of me never felt entirely convinced that saging my stack would allow me to move on. Recently I decided to do a complete overhaul. I’m done to one small rock friend, he’s a beautiful blue Lapis. I picked him up I immediately pulled a book of the shelf to see what healing properties he contained. Not only did I open to the Lapis entry immediately, the stone also has properties that include lowering blood pressure and anxiety. Obviously a rock is not a substitute for medication, but it does provide me a certain comfort that I bottle of pills just doesn’t. I have plans to visit Seven Stars, my favorite crystal store in Boston, after work, to start adding to my brand new collection.
I may or may not have added to Labradorite palm stones in both pink and purple to my collection and they may or may not be en route from Etsy.
I’m also a big believer in wearing crystal whenever possible. My therapist puts them in her bra. I love investing in handmade malas. My friend, Sasha, makes the most gorgeous beauties. I’m currently waiting on a custom order and I am so excited to wear it into the new year. A year I’m already declaring: abundant!
Mentally, I’ve been feeling much less scatter brained and more decisive. I’ve had a handful of conversations with my partner recently which truly make me feel oh so loved. She’s told me I’ve been a lot better at being clear and assertive when something doesn’t sit right with me. I think what’s definitely changed is what I choose to bring up vs. move on from. I’m learning to spend less time obsessing over the little things and more time expressing my feelings about the bigger things and having productive conversations with my partner about how we can move on and be healthier in the long-run as a couple.
One of the best parts of this relationship is the amount of love we have for one another. I didn’t know what true love really felt like until I met Kit, but now I know it’s something that doesn’t leave you second-guessing, that only makes everyday a little bit better & brighter, and something that continues to grow as you both evolve. We support one another, but we’re also selfish when it comes to our own self-care and I think that’s so important. I tend to lose myself when I’m involved with someone and I also tend to not like the needy, obsessive person I become. Although we’ve definitely experienced a fair share of rough patches, I’ve noticed how quickly I bounce back from them, ever more determined to invest time and patience into my person.
I’m still continuing to embrace a gratitude practice, though not daily. I’m hoping that in the new year my practice becomes something meditative I begin or end every day with. I love putting a few colors on the page and then really thinking about what has made the day special. My gratitude for the smallest things has been something that’s saved me during unsure or scary times. I also think looking at what I’m grateful for really helps me assess any areas of my life that I’m not and therefore may need to be attended to or amended.
Checking in with you is how I check in with myself. I’ve always been a person who values putting words down on a blank page over shuffling through week’s events in my mind. This is a meditative practice within itself, one I also hope to get better at following through at consistently. But, in the mean time this purge feels important and good. There are so many beautiful things in my life and so many things I have to look forward to. I feel blessed beyond belief and although some days I feel full of crippling anxiety, most days I am reminded that to have carved out a space, however small, in this wonky, weird, whimsical place is oh so worth coming back to.