Hey you guys…Hi. I have butterflies right now. I’m listening to The Unruffled Podcast my friend Tammi made with Sondra. It’s so enjoyable listening to these ladies voices as I make my art for the #100daysofartbyHaley project I’ve taken on. I made my gratitude list as well. I love my creativity and I don’t ever take it for advantage because there have definitely been times when it’s been only whisper/completely gone. My art teacher in high school told me he would pass me if I vowed to never take his class again. After that, I just figured art wasn’t my thing. I just wasn’t good at it so why would I ever try it? Ouch. That statement hurts to read today, because today I do and say the things that scare me most. Usually that’s the truth. The truth is a really scary beast sometimes. It’s also a multilayered one. The other night I made an Instagram post and talked about an evolving truth in my life. I’m ready to share it with you a few days later. Here goes: I’m drinking again and I’ve made a conscious choice to leave both AA and my sobriety. If you know me or read my posts you know my drinking something I’ve been grappling with for nearly 4 years. Bouts of sobriety. Bouts of drinking. Pain. Conversations. Therapy. Lots of therapy.
Last weekend I sat on my therapist’s couch and these words fell out of my mouth onto her carpet: “I don’t think I have a problem with drinking. I think I have a problem with people.” Oh. The thing I have been so scared to admit to anyone, ever, my codependency, my obsessiveness, my need to have a person. It’s an issue I’ve grappled with since I was a little girl. I tried to deal with everything and everyone else. I tried to take on labels because it felt better than not having anything. Say the true shit out loud, my friend says. Here’s mine.
I understand that not everyone is going to be on board here. I feel in part that I don’t deserve that either, since a spent a long time convincing people that I had a very specific problem with alcohol. I didn’t know. Or I knew that maybe that wasn’t the issue, but it felt better to try to make myself fit because the love and the care and the conversations I found in the rooms and amongst sober women was mind-blowing. And I’m scared about losing that, them, in writing this. But I try to live in honesty, publicly and privately, so this has to be the way. I know this might change at some point. I know that I will never look at drinking normally. I know I will always relate in some way to addicts and their behavioral patterns.
I’m feeling super vulnerable saying all of this and pretty sleepy. But it needed to be said and done. More to come. Love you all.