You guys, I don’t know quite how to write about what happened to me on Wednesday night. I’ve written A LOT of things over the past few years, but I don’t think I’ve ever written about an in real life MIRACLE. Because I never believed in miracles until quite recently. Recently God and I started to build our relationship and sloooowly like dripping molasses I started to believe in him.
The other day I wrote about being really angry that expectations I had for a certain situation didn’t work out the way I wanted them to. I wrote about it and then I read about accepting my brokenness and being vulnerable and letting go of all that shitty stuff, in my own time. I went to meet a friend for coffee and a meeting and unbeknownst to me my life was about to change. I definitely have had a few life defining moments and one of the biggest happened yesterday. In order to protect this women’s identity I’m not going to give away all the details, but instead try to concentrate on the exact physical reaction that took place. I’ll call the woman E. E was the woman who fucked me up and took something she shouldn’t have and who I want to read her fucking rights to the other day. She was the one who said she wasn’t ready and pissed me off in doing so. E was the first person I saw when I walked into that meeting the evening of the same day she’d sent me that text. There was E. Sitting. On the fucking couch. In the same small, hot room I had just entered. Holy fuck. I couldn’t believe it. When I go back and think how I felt in the moment I walked into that room it was completely an out-of-body experience. I was uncomfortable coupled with completely confused. I was angry and sad and happy and hopeful. I was in literal awe, with my jaw hitting the floor. I decided to stay. I decided to sit in that room and meditate and share and be there. And I experienced every emotion in that hour and a half. Every. Single. One.
So basically I wrote everything before this sentence this morning and since then I had to deal with like the little nitty parts of a day that can totally take you out of happy swaddled healing…but I think the point I was making is healing isn’t going to be pretty, it isn’t going to be on your terms EVER, and it is always going to be exactly right. Can I forgive E? Yes, I can. Here and now. I can give it what I can today. I won’t be perfect at it, but I will do my very very best to do be gracious and kind. When I can forgive someone else, I can also forgive myself. Biggest gift, I think. Maybe it seems like a jump that I can forgive someone who caused great trauma in my life after only sitting in a room with her, not even speaking to her, for 90 minutes. That’s okay. I would’ve thought the same thing if I read this and hadn’t experienced it.
Also, I’m sorry this is in no way concise but I don’t really know how to write about the unbelievable – the holy part of me, as my friend Laura refers to it – thank you for allowing me the space to continue to try. This piece doesn’t feel finished and I think it’s something I’ll keep circling back to and writing about. I wanted to end on a few bullet points I wrote down after listening to Brene Brown’s TED talk on vulnerability:
- Courage to tell your story with your whole heart
- Willing to let go of who they thought they should be for who they are
- EMBRACE VULNERABILITY
- Vulnerable = beautiful, necessary
Shiiit. We always always get what we need when we need it. And the rest…somehow just all falls away.